End of the Beginning

"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."
-Jiddu Krishnamurti

So I've experienced a week post-PCP. It's been interesting. I feel like I have to say that I consciously planned it, but that's something I rarely do. The end of the PCP came, so I just let go and let myself fall. Getting sloppy, careless. Not on purpose or not out of apathy. More like letting go of the controls, sitting back and watching what happens. This past week resembled my an average week of my life. My life through out the past 9 years. Not a long period of time, no, but for someone who has only lived two decades, it really counts. There were a few differences. I definitely ate more and I ate better. Normally my diet would consist of cereal, grilled cheese sandwiches, pasta with butter and cheese, the occasional omelet. Occasionally, I would have these relatively "healthy" tendencies. Basically I'd have a hearty breakfast of eggs, some bacon, fruit, whole grain break, etc. or the occasional fruit for a week or two and then something would happen and I'd lose any little bit of awareness that spurred me into such good habits and the next thing I'd know I'd start to feel like shit again.

But typically, it was just cereal, sandwich, pasta. This past week, I ate more vegetables than I typically would, more fruit, more meat, less carbs.

Also, there was a lovely little cherry atop this week. Last night, Friday, I went out drinking with some friends. In the moment, it was fun. Looking back, it was still pretty fun. Waking up though, I could have done without it. Forget the hangover. I'm not even talking about that shit. There is just something missing.

What I'm saying is that there's something about me that's just not really... here. If you understand that at all. I'm not blaming just the alcohol. I'm blaming the alcohol and the fact that my sleep pattern is messed up. I guess I used to think that If I lost some sleep, I could just "make it up".

"Normally go to bed at 11 and wake up at 7? Didn't get to sleep until 3am? No worries, just wake up at 10 or 11, you'll be fine," Is what I hear/heard. That's not true in the fucking least. Not for me, anyway. Even though I've typically been able to receive 8 hours, it doesn't matter, I'm still a little mentally messed when I wake up.

I've also let loose the reigns of my food supply. Relying on my parents to get food. It's been a sore disappointment. I really don't want to get into that. It's just too frustrating. Which actually brings me to my next point. When I first heard that Patrick thought that not teaching a kid to eat well was child abuse, I thought, "well, I think that's exaggerating a little..." Now that I think about it, it really isn't. Neglect is child-abuse, correct? Well I honestly feel like my parents failed me in this regard. Seriously, there are people in Laos who have better diets than the one I used to have. That's just fucked up.

So, school starts soon. It's time I started regulating myself again. Keep a steady sleep cycle, eat well, exercise daily. I can't function properly without these things. I tried that for 9 years. It didn't work.

Another note on the alcohol. Friday started out with me at work, which I actually enjoyed. Then the thought of getting drunk caused a bit of turmoil for me; the enjoyment I was getting was dependent on my health and the mindfulness I've cultivated of the past 90 days. Getting drunk would shot that all to hell. And while I did enjoy myself last night, there's no competition between the two. I honestly don't care if it makes me a pariah, I cannot afford to continue living like this. If my fellow Americans wish to stew in their own sodium "enriched" lazy incompetence, then that's fine with me.

Ok, I know, maybe it's a bit hypocritical to call others lazy, but I've noticed a slight change in the very core of my personality. It's this work ethic that I never saw before. This determination that was never their. I think about approaching school, and I think, "fuck yes, bring it on, bitch," instead of the typical anxiety and procrastination.

Ok, so, I guess If I ended this post now, It would be slightly negative... Hm... good thing I have this ace up my sleeve.

Now, I don't have a ripped body (yet). I gained 15 pounds over the past three months. I went from 120 lbs to 135 lbs . So, scrawny to slightly less scrawny. Nothing amazing, but still a really good start. My abs are probably nice, but I still have a decent bit of fat on my stomach. If someone wanted to, they could look at this as a failure. It's not, and that person is an idiot for thinking that.

There were two points in this project that I'd consider to be the two highest points. The first one was when I saw no difference between the PCP and my spiritual practice. Typically, when I think of spirituality, It is often tied with mysticism. This leads to a frustrating push-pull, as I try and keep the spirituality but get rid of the bull shi- I mean mysticism. To sum it up, my friend Sam said, "You can think of spirituality as living in the best possible way".

But yeah, I ramble. So to sum up the second peak of this project, I leave you with this quote from the movie Into the Wild:

The sea's only gifts are harsh blows, and occasionally the chance to feel strong. Now I don't know much about the sea, but I do know that that's the way it is here. And I also know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong. To measure yourself at least once. To find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions. Facing the blind death stone alone, with nothing to help you but your hands and your own head.

Day 90 post coming soon

I sat down to type it out and nothing happened... I need to figure out what I'm going to say.

89

Today's e-mail was pretty epic. Well, mostly because I've been feeling a bit down about the project lately.

Though, when I say "down", it's not really feeling 'down'. A little disheartened. I've finished the last month with a worsening limp. Not a physical wound, but one of motivation. I'm crossing the finish line worn down. I look at the end and I don't see worry, i don't feel like a fish moving from an aquarium to the ocean. I feel like a plant moving from a pot to a garden. Being able to take control of my own diet, my own exercise - I like it. My fitness will now take on a more organic approach; less regimented.

So, in short, it made me feel better.

Hm... so... apparently math isn't my strong point.....

So we have 5 days instead of 7? Sweet.

And I have a confession to make. This past week has been terrible. I collapsed, and then the week kept kicking me in the ribs.

Oh, also, I didn't eat the last two indulgences, is that bad? My reason for that being that on the day before we received the second "key" (as Sean calls it), I had some Honey Bunches of Oats for my night snack because I ran out of grape nuts. I did this because I was curious how I would feel after I ate it; I used to eat copious amounts of that cereal. It turns out I felt like shit. With that in mind, and reading what everyone else said about their indulgences, I really didn't feel like doing that to myself.

Also, it's been epically hot here. Well, maybe not epically, but hot enough that it plays havoc with my digestive system and sleep.

I feel like I should be pretty down about this, but I find it kind of difficult, which brings me to the good side of this week.

There are a lot of reason why I signed up for the PCP. They culminate in "getting more out of life". Except, what exactly does that mean? Well, it's a little difficult to elucidate. To me, it can be summed up in one instance. I work at a grocery store; the one that most of the elderly people in town go to. This means we call a lot of cabs, and thus have a lot of little-old-ladies waiting for them. The last time I worked there, before my shift ended, there was a woman waiting for one in the lobby of the store. She didn't want to go outside because of the heat, but she couldn't see to well inside the lobby, so see wanted me to stay and look for her. I couldn't because I had my job to do. When my shift ended, she was still there, so I waited with her and talked with her.

That likely wouldn't have happened before, I don't think. I probably would have thought

One time when I was walking to a party, back in march, I stepped off of the side-walk and onto the street. The impact of my foot coming down shook me rather hard. It actually hurt; my head, my joints, my back. Not to be overly dramatic, but I felt like it almost shook me apart, like a skeleton in an episode of Scooby-Doo. Then a few other nights I got high and when you're high you sense things stronger than normal - In this case, pain can be intensified, as can fear and sadness. Believe me, I've experienced them all more than I ever would have liked to - and there were a few nights where I felt exactly how pitiful my physical condition was and just how it affected me. One you feel that you never forget it.

Today I wento buy food. I walked into the store I work and I felt almost no anxiety. I walked away, got a text from my mom, decided to call for a ride, and then waited for her at the high school, which was near by. Normally I sit by the doors, on the concrete where there is shade, but that seemed incredibly unappealing, so I sat under this tree and listened to music and saw the beauty that surrounded me. A fly were landing on me and I didn't mind. I didn't disturb it. I sort of felt like I was melting into nature. It was epic. I felt as if I could have sat there the entire day and been sated.

I feel like these three little snippets of my life illustrate perfectly why I signed up and why I shouldn't be very worried about how pathetic this week has been. Five days, I can do that. I will be difficult, but It is doable.

To everyone: good luck, we're not finished yet.

Ten days?!

Holy shit, can you believe that?

I don't know. Not much to really write about right now.

I did find this video, however:

Too bad I didn't find it before you all went on vacation...

Woo!

I totally fucked up the Diet for this week and didn't even realize it until now!

Ok, well, no. I just ate a little too many carbs and didn't eat fruit for my night snack. This isn't a complete fuck-up, but Jesus, I really need to pay attention...

Anyway. Today was kind of a mess that totally worked out. I woke up to be reminded that I had no toilet paper, so that was an immediate concern. I let my house, and walked to the store. I took the bike path, which passes by the house of this friend of mine, Amanda. She was chilling on her porch and called me over. I hung with her for a little bit. I hadn't seen her since graduation, over a year ago, so that was cool. Then at the store, I saw another friend; he was at the cash-register. I chatted with him for a bit. Went home, mowed the lawn, and then chilled with my friend Tim for a bit.

After all that I felt totally refreshed. My motivation for the Project was actually renewed.

Oh yeah, it was mad funny to see in my comments that Seabass said "I got fucked up" (or something like that). Totally not used to anyone other than my peers saying that.

Anyway, I'm glad my last post was helpful.

Peace out.

The Price of Health

As I type this, I think I am beginning to feel the full weight of the stress induced by loneliness. Tomorrow, I need to get all of my god damn chores out of the way; mowing the lawn, cleaning the kitchen, and then I need to find another human being to interact with.

What am I, anyway? I'm speaking in terms of introversion and extroversion. And I also know that no one reading this can answer that question. It's probably not something that can be pinned down easily, if at all. The analysis, I find, is very tiring, especially at the current moment. All I've noticed is that social interaction has become easier, which is essentially why I started doing this.

Something also worth noting. At around 6 pm today, I was getting really fidgety. Like, crawl-out-of-my-skin fidgety. I have been working out at 7 for a little while now. Make of that what you will.

I am really appreciative of the PCP. I needed this shit. But God knows that once this is all over, I am going out and partying with my friends. I won't get drunk, but I'm going out and hanging out with my friends as much as possible.