Tranquility

(For some reason this didn't publish; this post is for the 13th)

So, I guess you could say that the project, for the most part, has been a source of stress and anxiety for me. I usually say that I can switch my routine on a dime. And that is true. Though it takes me a little longer to get comfortable in the new routine, and the PCP is probably the most extreme change I've had to make.

The problem isn't really that it's difficult. It's more like, I have to do everything myself. I have to make sure I have enough food and I have to cook each meal, all of which are fucking huge. In the old days I could just eat a pop-tart or a bowl of cereal in the morning and for lunch fry up a grill-cheese sandwich or something. Not any more. Three times a day I have to cook a huge meal.

Also, there is the asocial aspect of the PCP. These two things were a slow build for the first two months. The last two weeks, I saw a really bitter, dire side to myself. Now, I'm pretty relaxed about it. There have been plenty of mess ups recently. One is that I think I might have to skip dinner because, for some reason I am not hungry. Actually, I think it might be a bit too late. I think earlier in the project I'd be a little upset over this. Now I just look at the clock and mutter, "hmm... fuck..."

And there's a good side to this. It just means that I can go to bed before 11 for once. I mean, I was earlier in the week. OK, let me elaborate.

For the past month, my sleep was getting exceedingly fucked up. I was waking up at 10 and it was getting worse. So I tried to reset it, and failed. Tried again and succeeded. But then I got into an awesome discussion with my friend about past experiences with weed that I found to be very elucidating. That lasted into the AM, which messed up my sleep even more.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I'm sort of rolling with the punches and not getting down on my project at all. This is awesome. I used to have a "I need to look cut by the end of the PCP", but now I have a "I am definitely healthier than I was, I can feel it. This is amazing" feeling.

And that's not even how I felt when I went into the PCP; wanting to look all chiseled by the end. I was just looking for good health and stability. Mental and Physical.

This brings me to why I joined the PCP. The moment of realization that I was woefully out of shape was when I was walking to a friend's house, and I was crossing the street. The first step I took off of the curb onto the street. It gave me a headache. It shook me. I can't eve describe to you how it felt, but the blow of my foot hitting the asphalt shook through me and it felt like it was going to tear me to pieces. And then there were the numerous times when I was high that I felt what it was like to be in my own skin on such a visceral level that I couldn't help but shake.

That, my friends, is a sign that you need to put a little meat on your bones.

There are also the mental issues. Nothing serious. Massive amounts of anxiety, insecurity, depression. Just things that make life necessarily hard. Again, while high, I ascertained that If I was healthy and physically fit, then these issues would go away. So far, it seems that I'm right.

Why did I do the PCP? Because I was sick of being my own obstacle. I was sick of my fear and my frailties holding me back from living life. I'm not really sure how life post-PCP will be. Though, I feel as though I have the knowledge and the moxie to take care of myself, construct my own work out routine. Which brings me to another thing. I would look at the six-packs on some guys and thing, "nah, that'll never be me." It wasn't even my usual, "I'll be like that when I get around to working out", it was just plain old, "I can't do it." Now it's, "I am doing this, and I will get those cut abs." I was watching this video:


If you look at the dude's daily workout, it's intense. A year ago I would see that entire video and I would be like, "cool..." Now I watch it intently and think, "Man, If I wanted to, this could be me." You know, If I wanted to.

On Comptetition

Ok, so this is not solely about competition. First thing I want to say is that I totally used my computer almost all day. BUT! I had the self-control to not procrastinate, and the day has gone by rather smoothly. I mean, my workout was really lame, but I think it has to do with the fact that I was dehydrated. I think... I mean, my piss is clear, but I have that fatigued, dry feeling. Still, I had my cake and got to eat it too.

Anyway, I want to post this: http://www.wnyc.org/shows/radiolab/episodes/2007/12/04
It says that loneliness is about as much of a health risk as smoking. Shocking, rather, seeing as how I've quite alone recently. I dunno. I mean, work has an uplifting effect - it's really easy and I get to socialize and it's fun, even if it is really draining. Though I still feel this strain, this taxing feeling. I assumed it was my messed up sleep schedule, and maybe it still is. I mean, I haven't fixed it completely yet, but I'm making great progress. I even had a really vivid and fun dream last night. And yes, I'm going to talk about it. Now, I suppose, I am not sure what else I have to say on loneliness that Radiolab hasn't. I have sparse human contact, and I believe it is affecting me.

So onto the dream! Basically, it was about me trying to have sex with a friend of mine. And we were in a house that seemed to be an amalgamation of many houses that I've been. And a lot of people were in it. My parents, my neighbors, some of my parent's friends, my boss, and some random nerdy guys in their late 20's who were assholes. And they were all distracting. The entire time I was doing random shit, trying to return to my friend to sleep with her. It was really frustrating but awesome, because there was a lot of shit going on and it was kind of hilarious. I didn't get to sleep with her, because right when I was about to, I woke up. Story of my life, right?

Right, now onto competition. As a child, I was very non-competitive, unless it was at videogames. Essentially, I had zero confidence and was only willing to compete at something I knew I was good at, something I couldn't lose at. Now, things are a little different...

I first noticed it when I realized that I had a huge drive to learn French. When I was learning Russian, I started out with every waking moment studying, but only because I enjoyed it. With French, I'm not obsessed. But I'm putting forth a pretty huge effort, and it has to do with one thing.

My Aussie friend challenged me.

That's pretty much it. I said it was easy, she called me an arrogant prick and that I'll soon have my ass handed to be by the sheer scale of the task, and I set out to prove her wrong.

That's pretty much it. Also, at work the other day I challenged my supervisor to an arm-wrestling match. I lost, because he's like a foot taller than me and I guess has awesome genetics because he does nothing and is still stronger than me.

So I challenged him to a rematch. I won, but he definitely threw the match just to get rid of me.

Long story short, I've become more competitive, most likely due to an increase in confidence that has come from an increase in physical security. That's what I reckon and that's what I saw was the sole reason for my anxiety when I was sitting on that couch during those transitional months, from winter to spring.

Also, my pecs are beginning to show. Pretty awesome.

Beating myself up...

for wasting my own time with this trite shit.


Oh, shit. Let me clarify, I don't mean the PCP, I mean sitting on my ass and procrastinating. It's not like I do anything of value on this computer. The only thing of worth that I can currently do on this computer that is not PCP related is improve my grasp over Russian, or obtain a grasp over French. What do I do? I lounge around Facebook and periodically switch between that and Digg.com for quick little hits of dopamine-triggering stimulation. God, I'm like a junkie. It's kind of nauseating. And now I have to choose between dinner or a proper sleeping time. Maybe I could cook up some chicken, so I get the protein, but fuck me sideways. This is just disgraceful.

I don't believe in divine retribution, but there is no way the universe will not punish me for being so slothful.

I'm done with this. Tomorrow, no more. I'm not turning on my computer for anything other than accessing my workout.

Man! What a waste of time!

Oh man! I wish I saw this two months ago! If I had known about this, I never would have joined the PCP!


Er, on second thought, I think I'll stick with the regular thing...

Ok, I have no idea what Patrick would say about what this guy is doing, but as you can see, there are a couple similarities and it's in the same spirit as the PCP. Also, the song is kick ass.
Pistol Squat FTW.

Edit: I just remembered something. I think I heard it on Radiolab; if you're playing tivial pursuit, and you read about soccer hooligans, you will do poorly. If you read about professors, you will do well (to sum it up poorly). So, here are a punch of bad-ass videos that you should all watch before you workout.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oyuJ3T0sQ88&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T1I_agS_RAg&NR=1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jIjoq68i1HI&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q80yumhU-Eo&feature=related

What does a scanner see?

I was watching a bit of "A Scanner Darkly" today. A Good-ass movie that reminds me of days gone by. Watching it now, it occasionally produces this low-level anxiety that years ago would have been all that needed to exist to send me tumbling into a panic attack. Now, it's only uncomfortable. I'm not sure why it does this. Maybe because the convoluted nature of various scenes resonates a little too well, reminding me of situations of inebriation that I've been in where anxiety was the prevailing emotion. An all too common occurrence. If you haven't seen it, here's a clip that I feel encapsulates the movie very well

So many to choose from. Anyway, the nostalgic insanity reminded me of a comment Jeremy posted on my post about why I started and subsequently quit smoking pot. He asked why I quit, which I guess I didn't make clear. I love to talk about my experiences, and I guess I got so wrapped up in my "last high" that I didn't make the point. To put it clearly, the last time was horrifying. Also, I felt like I had to puke the entire time. And that is why I quit: I didn't want to experience that again.

I know I talk about it a lot, but smoking and drinking were a regular pastime for me and my friends. I've also had many adventures while in pursuit of, during, or after said activities. I am very fond of them. Though each day I become more apathetic towards them. Intoxication was the focus of our nights. Rarely anything else. Many of those nights were very uneventful. Boring? Definitely not. Each night a new show was playing. Watching myself play the part in the theatrics of the social group I inhabited.

At the start of the PCP, I thought that after the 90 days were over, I'd drink again, maybe even smoke. No where near the frequency that I once approached it. Occasionally, once every other week. However, my current stance is that of abstinence. I might partake of each substance only to see how they affect me after undergoing such a project, though I don't plan on it.

I say this because alcohol has very few benefits. I actually look back on alcohol and I cringe. I have no desire to get hammered again. And after watching A Scanner Darkly, I don't think I'll have a more pleasant high if I smoke again.

Yesterday was fail-tastic

Oh man, what a clusterfuck.

I woke up late, ate everything late, took a nap for too long, felt incredibly off from said nap, could only bring myself to do the jump rope, and then gave myself indigestion that messed up my sleep.

On the plus side, today is turning out ok. If I can stay on the ball, it might be a success. Though, I just finished my workout and I wasn't even able to do a full plank rep. I cringe from typing that out. I got to 30 seconds, collapsed, waited 15 seconds, did another 30, collapsed, waited 15, then tried to do 30 more and collapsed after about 10. Everything else was fine (sort of). I mean, I hit muscle failure on the chest dip and push ups on about the third set for both, but the rest of the workout went smoothly. The biceps had to have been the height. I felt like my skin was going to rip open - let me clarify. I didn't quite like this feeling, it was slightly disconcerting. But it signaled to me that I might be doing something right (or something terribly, terribly wrong). Though, once I started getting to the last set for each one, I could only bring myself to do the minimum amount of reps. I feel like I should be doing better. Yeah, I have made a lot or progress, but I feel like I may have stunted it a little from messing up so much.

Anyway, today, if I can stay on the ball, should be ok. It's 5:30 and
I haven't had lunch yet thanks to work. I could have had it at 3:30, when I got home, but every day I come home from work and rest, my muscles get stiff and I become more fatigued. I find it's better if I just plow through the workout ASAP and hope to shovel in all my food afterwords. I'm going to wrap this up so I can start cooking lunch. I may need to cut down on the carbs a little because I don't want to sacrifice the veggies and especially not the protein. I might need to cut dinner a little too because I don't want to get indigestion again but I also want to go to bed at an earlier time.

Also, to answer Jimmy's question, this is radiolab:
http://www.wnyc.org/shows/radiolab/
The best podcast in the world (next to Zen is Stupid, of course)

Oh man, so weird...

Yesterday I sat down to write about why I am doing the PCP, though in an attempt to create some context I ended up rambling on about my past and the post, overall, was a raging mess. It's funny, the way I go about writing hasn't changed much in the past year or so, maybe it has become a bit more refined, but it has stayed almost the same. Yesterday when I was writing though, I noticed how terrible I am at writing. Ok, maybe I have a natural skill with words, but christ, there is no way that can make up for the bumbling mess that occurs when I set down to put words to paper. Coherency is what I lack. I suppose this is what they mean when they say that physical health will lead to better mental performance. This in turn leads me to realize how terrible I am at writing.

Anyway, I just checked my email, and the second sentence of the day 63 message was this:

"Have any of you ever read the book Blink, by Malcolm Gladwell?"

Really weird. Why? Because in what I guess you could call the rough-draft of my "reason for doing the PCP" post, I wrote this:

"So, I don't know where It all began, really. One defining moment was when I read Blink by Malcolm Gladwell."

I don't mean to suggest that coincidences have any significance. I've heard that there are no coincidences (something I think is probably bullshit, people underestimate probability), but it costs me nothing to take notice when something pops up and could (in the incredibly unlikely chance that coincidences 'mean something') benefit me in the long run.

Regardless of what you believe, this is a pretty weird coincidence.

Edit: Ok, after thinking about it for like, a few seconds, it doesn't really seem like that spectacular a coincidence. Still kind of funny.