Monday, August 31, 2009
Day 90 post coming soon
I sat down to type it out and nothing happened... I need to figure out what I'm going to say.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
89
Today's e-mail was pretty epic. Well, mostly because I've been feeling a bit down about the project lately.
Though, when I say "down", it's not really feeling 'down'. A little disheartened. I've finished the last month with a worsening limp. Not a physical wound, but one of motivation. I'm crossing the finish line worn down. I look at the end and I don't see worry, i don't feel like a fish moving from an aquarium to the ocean. I feel like a plant moving from a pot to a garden. Being able to take control of my own diet, my own exercise - I like it. My fitness will now take on a more organic approach; less regimented.
So, in short, it made me feel better.
Though, when I say "down", it's not really feeling 'down'. A little disheartened. I've finished the last month with a worsening limp. Not a physical wound, but one of motivation. I'm crossing the finish line worn down. I look at the end and I don't see worry, i don't feel like a fish moving from an aquarium to the ocean. I feel like a plant moving from a pot to a garden. Being able to take control of my own diet, my own exercise - I like it. My fitness will now take on a more organic approach; less regimented.
So, in short, it made me feel better.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Hm... so... apparently math isn't my strong point.....
So we have 5 days instead of 7? Sweet.
And I have a confession to make. This past week has been terrible. I collapsed, and then the week kept kicking me in the ribs.
Oh, also, I didn't eat the last two indulgences, is that bad? My reason for that being that on the day before we received the second "key" (as Sean calls it), I had some Honey Bunches of Oats for my night snack because I ran out of grape nuts. I did this because I was curious how I would feel after I ate it; I used to eat copious amounts of that cereal. It turns out I felt like shit. With that in mind, and reading what everyone else said about their indulgences, I really didn't feel like doing that to myself.
Also, it's been epically hot here. Well, maybe not epically, but hot enough that it plays havoc with my digestive system and sleep.
I feel like I should be pretty down about this, but I find it kind of difficult, which brings me to the good side of this week.
There are a lot of reason why I signed up for the PCP. They culminate in "getting more out of life". Except, what exactly does that mean? Well, it's a little difficult to elucidate. To me, it can be summed up in one instance. I work at a grocery store; the one that most of the elderly people in town go to. This means we call a lot of cabs, and thus have a lot of little-old-ladies waiting for them. The last time I worked there, before my shift ended, there was a woman waiting for one in the lobby of the store. She didn't want to go outside because of the heat, but she couldn't see to well inside the lobby, so see wanted me to stay and look for her. I couldn't because I had my job to do. When my shift ended, she was still there, so I waited with her and talked with her.
That likely wouldn't have happened before, I don't think. I probably would have thought
One time when I was walking to a party, back in march, I stepped off of the side-walk and onto the street. The impact of my foot coming down shook me rather hard. It actually hurt; my head, my joints, my back. Not to be overly dramatic, but I felt like it almost shook me apart, like a skeleton in an episode of Scooby-Doo. Then a few other nights I got high and when you're high you sense things stronger than normal - In this case, pain can be intensified, as can fear and sadness. Believe me, I've experienced them all more than I ever would have liked to - and there were a few nights where I felt exactly how pitiful my physical condition was and just how it affected me. One you feel that you never forget it.
Today I wento buy food. I walked into the store I work and I felt almost no anxiety. I walked away, got a text from my mom, decided to call for a ride, and then waited for her at the high school, which was near by. Normally I sit by the doors, on the concrete where there is shade, but that seemed incredibly unappealing, so I sat under this tree and listened to music and saw the beauty that surrounded me. A fly were landing on me and I didn't mind. I didn't disturb it. I sort of felt like I was melting into nature. It was epic. I felt as if I could have sat there the entire day and been sated.
I feel like these three little snippets of my life illustrate perfectly why I signed up and why I shouldn't be very worried about how pathetic this week has been. Five days, I can do that. I will be difficult, but It is doable.
To everyone: good luck, we're not finished yet.
And I have a confession to make. This past week has been terrible. I collapsed, and then the week kept kicking me in the ribs.
Oh, also, I didn't eat the last two indulgences, is that bad? My reason for that being that on the day before we received the second "key" (as Sean calls it), I had some Honey Bunches of Oats for my night snack because I ran out of grape nuts. I did this because I was curious how I would feel after I ate it; I used to eat copious amounts of that cereal. It turns out I felt like shit. With that in mind, and reading what everyone else said about their indulgences, I really didn't feel like doing that to myself.
Also, it's been epically hot here. Well, maybe not epically, but hot enough that it plays havoc with my digestive system and sleep.
I feel like I should be pretty down about this, but I find it kind of difficult, which brings me to the good side of this week.
There are a lot of reason why I signed up for the PCP. They culminate in "getting more out of life". Except, what exactly does that mean? Well, it's a little difficult to elucidate. To me, it can be summed up in one instance. I work at a grocery store; the one that most of the elderly people in town go to. This means we call a lot of cabs, and thus have a lot of little-old-ladies waiting for them. The last time I worked there, before my shift ended, there was a woman waiting for one in the lobby of the store. She didn't want to go outside because of the heat, but she couldn't see to well inside the lobby, so see wanted me to stay and look for her. I couldn't because I had my job to do. When my shift ended, she was still there, so I waited with her and talked with her.
That likely wouldn't have happened before, I don't think. I probably would have thought
One time when I was walking to a party, back in march, I stepped off of the side-walk and onto the street. The impact of my foot coming down shook me rather hard. It actually hurt; my head, my joints, my back. Not to be overly dramatic, but I felt like it almost shook me apart, like a skeleton in an episode of Scooby-Doo. Then a few other nights I got high and when you're high you sense things stronger than normal - In this case, pain can be intensified, as can fear and sadness. Believe me, I've experienced them all more than I ever would have liked to - and there were a few nights where I felt exactly how pitiful my physical condition was and just how it affected me. One you feel that you never forget it.
Today I wento buy food. I walked into the store I work and I felt almost no anxiety. I walked away, got a text from my mom, decided to call for a ride, and then waited for her at the high school, which was near by. Normally I sit by the doors, on the concrete where there is shade, but that seemed incredibly unappealing, so I sat under this tree and listened to music and saw the beauty that surrounded me. A fly were landing on me and I didn't mind. I didn't disturb it. I sort of felt like I was melting into nature. It was epic. I felt as if I could have sat there the entire day and been sated.
I feel like these three little snippets of my life illustrate perfectly why I signed up and why I shouldn't be very worried about how pathetic this week has been. Five days, I can do that. I will be difficult, but It is doable.
To everyone: good luck, we're not finished yet.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Ten days?!
Holy shit, can you believe that?
I don't know. Not much to really write about right now.
I did find this video, however:
Too bad I didn't find it before you all went on vacation...
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Woo!
I totally fucked up the Diet for this week and didn't even realize it until now!
Ok, well, no. I just ate a little too many carbs and didn't eat fruit for my night snack. This isn't a complete fuck-up, but Jesus, I really need to pay attention...
Anyway. Today was kind of a mess that totally worked out. I woke up to be reminded that I had no toilet paper, so that was an immediate concern. I let my house, and walked to the store. I took the bike path, which passes by the house of this friend of mine, Amanda. She was chilling on her porch and called me over. I hung with her for a little bit. I hadn't seen her since graduation, over a year ago, so that was cool. Then at the store, I saw another friend; he was at the cash-register. I chatted with him for a bit. Went home, mowed the lawn, and then chilled with my friend Tim for a bit.
After all that I felt totally refreshed. My motivation for the Project was actually renewed.
Oh yeah, it was mad funny to see in my comments that Seabass said "I got fucked up" (or something like that). Totally not used to anyone other than my peers saying that.
Anyway, I'm glad my last post was helpful.
Peace out.
Ok, well, no. I just ate a little too many carbs and didn't eat fruit for my night snack. This isn't a complete fuck-up, but Jesus, I really need to pay attention...
Anyway. Today was kind of a mess that totally worked out. I woke up to be reminded that I had no toilet paper, so that was an immediate concern. I let my house, and walked to the store. I took the bike path, which passes by the house of this friend of mine, Amanda. She was chilling on her porch and called me over. I hung with her for a little bit. I hadn't seen her since graduation, over a year ago, so that was cool. Then at the store, I saw another friend; he was at the cash-register. I chatted with him for a bit. Went home, mowed the lawn, and then chilled with my friend Tim for a bit.
After all that I felt totally refreshed. My motivation for the Project was actually renewed.
Oh yeah, it was mad funny to see in my comments that Seabass said "I got fucked up" (or something like that). Totally not used to anyone other than my peers saying that.
Anyway, I'm glad my last post was helpful.
Peace out.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
The Price of Health
As I type this, I think I am beginning to feel the full weight of the stress induced by loneliness. Tomorrow, I need to get all of my god damn chores out of the way; mowing the lawn, cleaning the kitchen, and then I need to find another human being to interact with.
What am I, anyway? I'm speaking in terms of introversion and extroversion. And I also know that no one reading this can answer that question. It's probably not something that can be pinned down easily, if at all. The analysis, I find, is very tiring, especially at the current moment. All I've noticed is that social interaction has become easier, which is essentially why I started doing this.
Something also worth noting. At around 6 pm today, I was getting really fidgety. Like, crawl-out-of-my-skin fidgety. I have been working out at 7 for a little while now. Make of that what you will.
I am really appreciative of the PCP. I needed this shit. But God knows that once this is all over, I am going out and partying with my friends. I won't get drunk, but I'm going out and hanging out with my friends as much as possible.
What am I, anyway? I'm speaking in terms of introversion and extroversion. And I also know that no one reading this can answer that question. It's probably not something that can be pinned down easily, if at all. The analysis, I find, is very tiring, especially at the current moment. All I've noticed is that social interaction has become easier, which is essentially why I started doing this.
Something also worth noting. At around 6 pm today, I was getting really fidgety. Like, crawl-out-of-my-skin fidgety. I have been working out at 7 for a little while now. Make of that what you will.
I am really appreciative of the PCP. I needed this shit. But God knows that once this is all over, I am going out and partying with my friends. I won't get drunk, but I'm going out and hanging out with my friends as much as possible.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Tranquility
(For some reason this didn't publish; this post is for the 13th)
So, I guess you could say that the project, for the most part, has been a source of stress and anxiety for me. I usually say that I can switch my routine on a dime. And that is true. Though it takes me a little longer to get comfortable in the new routine, and the PCP is probably the most extreme change I've had to make.
The problem isn't really that it's difficult. It's more like, I have to do everything myself. I have to make sure I have enough food and I have to cook each meal, all of which are fucking huge. In the old days I could just eat a pop-tart or a bowl of cereal in the morning and for lunch fry up a grill-cheese sandwich or something. Not any more. Three times a day I have to cook a huge meal.
Also, there is the asocial aspect of the PCP. These two things were a slow build for the first two months. The last two weeks, I saw a really bitter, dire side to myself. Now, I'm pretty relaxed about it. There have been plenty of mess ups recently. One is that I think I might have to skip dinner because, for some reason I am not hungry. Actually, I think it might be a bit too late. I think earlier in the project I'd be a little upset over this. Now I just look at the clock and mutter, "hmm... fuck..."
And there's a good side to this. It just means that I can go to bed before 11 for once. I mean, I was earlier in the week. OK, let me elaborate.
For the past month, my sleep was getting exceedingly fucked up. I was waking up at 10 and it was getting worse. So I tried to reset it, and failed. Tried again and succeeded. But then I got into an awesome discussion with my friend about past experiences with weed that I found to be very elucidating. That lasted into the AM, which messed up my sleep even more.
So I guess what I'm saying is that I'm sort of rolling with the punches and not getting down on my project at all. This is awesome. I used to have a "I need to look cut by the end of the PCP", but now I have a "I am definitely healthier than I was, I can feel it. This is amazing" feeling.
And that's not even how I felt when I went into the PCP; wanting to look all chiseled by the end. I was just looking for good health and stability. Mental and Physical.
This brings me to why I joined the PCP. The moment of realization that I was woefully out of shape was when I was walking to a friend's house, and I was crossing the street. The first step I took off of the curb onto the street. It gave me a headache. It shook me. I can't eve describe to you how it felt, but the blow of my foot hitting the asphalt shook through me and it felt like it was going to tear me to pieces. And then there were the numerous times when I was high that I felt what it was like to be in my own skin on such a visceral level that I couldn't help but shake.
That, my friends, is a sign that you need to put a little meat on your bones.
There are also the mental issues. Nothing serious. Massive amounts of anxiety, insecurity, depression. Just things that make life necessarily hard. Again, while high, I ascertained that If I was healthy and physically fit, then these issues would go away. So far, it seems that I'm right.
Why did I do the PCP? Because I was sick of being my own obstacle. I was sick of my fear and my frailties holding me back from living life. I'm not really sure how life post-PCP will be. Though, I feel as though I have the knowledge and the moxie to take care of myself, construct my own work out routine. Which brings me to another thing. I would look at the six-packs on some guys and thing, "nah, that'll never be me." It wasn't even my usual, "I'll be like that when I get around to working out", it was just plain old, "I can't do it." Now it's, "I am doing this, and I will get those cut abs." I was watching this video:
If you look at the dude's daily workout, it's intense. A year ago I would see that entire video and I would be like, "cool..." Now I watch it intently and think, "Man, If I wanted to, this could be me." You know, If I wanted to.
So, I guess you could say that the project, for the most part, has been a source of stress and anxiety for me. I usually say that I can switch my routine on a dime. And that is true. Though it takes me a little longer to get comfortable in the new routine, and the PCP is probably the most extreme change I've had to make.
The problem isn't really that it's difficult. It's more like, I have to do everything myself. I have to make sure I have enough food and I have to cook each meal, all of which are fucking huge. In the old days I could just eat a pop-tart or a bowl of cereal in the morning and for lunch fry up a grill-cheese sandwich or something. Not any more. Three times a day I have to cook a huge meal.
Also, there is the asocial aspect of the PCP. These two things were a slow build for the first two months. The last two weeks, I saw a really bitter, dire side to myself. Now, I'm pretty relaxed about it. There have been plenty of mess ups recently. One is that I think I might have to skip dinner because, for some reason I am not hungry. Actually, I think it might be a bit too late. I think earlier in the project I'd be a little upset over this. Now I just look at the clock and mutter, "hmm... fuck..."
And there's a good side to this. It just means that I can go to bed before 11 for once. I mean, I was earlier in the week. OK, let me elaborate.
For the past month, my sleep was getting exceedingly fucked up. I was waking up at 10 and it was getting worse. So I tried to reset it, and failed. Tried again and succeeded. But then I got into an awesome discussion with my friend about past experiences with weed that I found to be very elucidating. That lasted into the AM, which messed up my sleep even more.
So I guess what I'm saying is that I'm sort of rolling with the punches and not getting down on my project at all. This is awesome. I used to have a "I need to look cut by the end of the PCP", but now I have a "I am definitely healthier than I was, I can feel it. This is amazing" feeling.
And that's not even how I felt when I went into the PCP; wanting to look all chiseled by the end. I was just looking for good health and stability. Mental and Physical.
This brings me to why I joined the PCP. The moment of realization that I was woefully out of shape was when I was walking to a friend's house, and I was crossing the street. The first step I took off of the curb onto the street. It gave me a headache. It shook me. I can't eve describe to you how it felt, but the blow of my foot hitting the asphalt shook through me and it felt like it was going to tear me to pieces. And then there were the numerous times when I was high that I felt what it was like to be in my own skin on such a visceral level that I couldn't help but shake.
That, my friends, is a sign that you need to put a little meat on your bones.
There are also the mental issues. Nothing serious. Massive amounts of anxiety, insecurity, depression. Just things that make life necessarily hard. Again, while high, I ascertained that If I was healthy and physically fit, then these issues would go away. So far, it seems that I'm right.
Why did I do the PCP? Because I was sick of being my own obstacle. I was sick of my fear and my frailties holding me back from living life. I'm not really sure how life post-PCP will be. Though, I feel as though I have the knowledge and the moxie to take care of myself, construct my own work out routine. Which brings me to another thing. I would look at the six-packs on some guys and thing, "nah, that'll never be me." It wasn't even my usual, "I'll be like that when I get around to working out", it was just plain old, "I can't do it." Now it's, "I am doing this, and I will get those cut abs." I was watching this video:
If you look at the dude's daily workout, it's intense. A year ago I would see that entire video and I would be like, "cool..." Now I watch it intently and think, "Man, If I wanted to, this could be me." You know, If I wanted to.
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