ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

Ok, so, things have changed a lot this year. Like, more that any year of my life. I have grown more in the past 5 months than I have in the past 8 years. Starting with January, have average habits, which in my case is chilling at my house a decent amount and going out on weekends or nights where I didn't have work in the morning. Then somehow this fiesty Australian chick gets caught up in my group of friends, and we all hang out at her place with an increasing frequency where at some points there would be weekends where I wouldn't even be at my house.

This started in february and lasted until april. I was drunk or high more times than I was sober and my diet was utter crap. Those months left me a little scarred.

Though, if I said I regretted any of it, I would be lying

Then one of us left for boot camp. Actually, I vaguely remember thinking, that before all this started, I would turn my life around and finally get healthy after Nik left - that this was just one big "good-bye" party, which it was (during those months I forgot all about that, but I guess it was rooted deep enough to stick around.) Then that spunky Aussie and her chill roomate moved to another house, so things got disrupted even more. The new arrangements meant that we couldnt' maintain the old habits as frequently.

Then weed started giving me panic attacks. That was basically where it ended for me. It was coming to a slow trickle before actually stopping. I went from my normal habits, to being hyper social, to hanging out at my house every night with the internet and videogames, occasionally going out.

In that first month, when I was surfing the internets, I came across Patrick's zazen video, which lead me to Zen is Stupid. That there was a catalyst. Before May was even half over, I started meditating again, every night, and I started eating better foods and riding my bike more often, and then eventually joined the PCP. A lot of other stuff happened between those times, but whatever. That is a level of detail I do not want to venture into.

What is the point of this entry? I have no idea. I feel like I originally had one, and this is like the third time I've typed this particular "story" out. Not because I'm giving it multiple drafts and trying to make it perfect, but because I started typing and I couldn't help but type this. Once I realized what I was talking about, I thought, "nah, they don't want to hear about this, there is no point to it anyway", but I can't get rid of it.

So, in summary, what we have is basically my group of friends falling apart. And for me, you have a self-imposed isolation. Why? I couldn't tell you. It wasn't explained to me why I decided to do this. "I stopped hanging out with them because I didn't want to get messed up anymore" could be a reason, but It feels really lack luster. I could have made the effort, and just stayed sober, but I didn't, I had no impulse to go out and socialize. I'm kind of glad I didn't, though, because again, I have learned a lot in these past months by my self.

But yeah, as of now, I feel lonely. I won't lie. I've been feeling it for a couple of weeks now, but for the past couple of days, it's been rather heavy. And I use that word for a reason. I have felt a little "down-trodden" lately. Tired, sluggish, listless. Maybe the lack of social interaction has a part to play?

Oh, another interesting note - for the past week and a half, my parents have been in New Hampshire, so I've had the house to myself. It's been nice, but I noticed that within hours of being alone, I felt this biting emtiness. I suddenly couldn't take being alone. But I sucked it up. The reason why It was hitting me now I think as opposed to earlier was because I had my family around to at least provide a backround noise at all times. I also didn't go out and seek company because it wasn't that bad and I had the project to do.

And that's really what it is - I choose better health over comraderie and partying.

If I said I regretted it, I'd be lying.

I feel. I feel a hell of a lot. More than I did before I started the project.

So I'm making a few changes. I'm getting up early to do my work outs in the morning. Get them out of the way so my nights are free. Its at night when I get the lonliest anyway. I'm also planning better. Going to get mathematical and calculate what I need to buy and when so there are no more moments of "Oh, FUCK! I'm out of eggs..."

I think it's time I ended this long string of words, but before I do, a comment on my inspiration figure. During week 1 or 2, I was reminded about Burn Notice, which I used to watch not too long ago, and thought "damn, I should have used Jeffery Donovan as my inspirational figure!" But then I thought about it for a second. Jeffery Donavan, or Micheal Weston - the character he plays - is a mother fuckin' badass. He can do pretty much anything and he's got that moral code. He could probably also seduce a lot of hot babes easily, but he doesn't. That shows restraint which is also badass. Pretty awesome, right? Well, no. First off, he's not free. He is a slave, a tool of the "higher ups", granted it's not willing, he is trying to get his life back, but he's still a slave. David Belle is the founder of Parkour and the philosophy behind Parkour is freedom. Freedom of movement. Free Runners flow like water around obstacles. To me, being able to be free like water is way better than being like a super spy on a leash in a cage.