Frustrated

So, It occurred to me that I was doing the pull up completely wrong this entire time. The way I did it was that it worked out my biceps instead of my back. Actually, when it came down to it, all the back exercises seemed to just end up working my upper arms and not my back. And when I tried to do the pull ups properly, it felt like I was just working my shoulders. Very disheartening. The problem is that the door frame is too small, and all the door frames in my house are like that. I think I'll try and find other ways to work my back and do those in some spare time I have.

Today was pretty interesting; I had a weird dream last night. The essential part of it was that I somehow lost the ability to walk, so I went to my place of work to tell my boss, and he said that he would keep me on, but he'd have to pay me less. So that pissed me off - I rolled off in my wheelchair into the parking lot, where I was like, "man, fuck this!" and exerted a ton of effort and stood up. I think that little bit of hardcore-ness was because of the intense chest dips I did earlier in the week. So I walk back into the store, victorious, and am like, "Yo, check it out bitches! I can walk again!" and they were like, "Man, you're full of bullshit..." which also pissed me off.

I don't know about you guys, but dreams leave a taste in my mouth that effects the entire day. I don't find this to be a problem, I feel like it gives each day a different feel, and that's nice.

Especially today, because when I woke up, I felt very bitter and pissed off. Now, while at home, obviously I interact with my family, and that's different than the way I interact with any other person, which means that while I was at home I could just sort of mope about and make my breakfast and not give it much thought. So, then I went to work, with this bad taste in my mouth. Now, yesterday, I had this idea. After analyzing my own behavior over the course of the past two months, I decided to post my conclusion on Facebook. "In my short life one of the things I've learned is that if you're nice to people, even the assholes, good things will happen to you." I got a ton of responses to it. Another effect it had was that it really made me internalize that philosophy.

Of course, the point is that you aren't nice to people because you want nice things to happen to you. It's only if you're nice to people because you care about them; because you want to connect with another human being. Out of empathy.

So, I go to work, I'm a little pissed off, I have this philosophy really internalized and I begin to interact with customers. And I notice a startling dissonance. I intend to be nice, but everything about me is caustic and sharp, and I am shocked by it. I try harder to be nice, and it actually gets worse. Eventually I just cave to the fact that I'm kind of in a bad mood. I don't force a pleasant expression. I simply relax and speak with the intent to connect and be earnest about what I say. Lo and behold, things get better. My mood lifts and by the time I leave I'm walking on fuckin' sunshine.

My mom showed up to give me a ride and she decided to get some groceries while she was there, so I told her I'd wait outside, seeing as how the sun was out. So I popped in my headphones and just chilled on a bench, and it was awesome. It was like I felt the ebb and flow of the world around me. Then this old lady walked up to me and started talking to me, which I welcomed fully. She told me about her grandson in Afghanistan, how she tried to talk him out of joining the military.

This is a huge step forward, in my eyes. For me, I usually feel like there is this "emotional grease" that sticks to my mood. Anxiety, rage, contempt. Sticks to me and nothing usually gets rid of it. Slow breathing, for example, is the equivalent of running hot water over it. Does jack shit. Today, the "grease" was that of contempt, maybe a little rage. The method of removal was equivalent to taking a chisel and scraping that shit off.

To me, this proves that I'm becoming more mindful.