Computer fixed!

Title says it all. It's not the same as it used to be, though... But I guess considering that it went through the equivalent of having a massive stroke, then slipping into a coma for a month to be completely resuscitated in an afternoon, I really can't complain.

Ok, this is hilarious. Well, this part isn't (it's awesome) - girls have been talking to me (and giving me "the eyes") more often. The other day this girl who was ringing up my food at the Stop and Shop was talking to me, and she seemed a bit anxious. I mean the kind of anxiety that you get when you talk to a hot person (not to be self-aggrandizing here). And, being on the opposite end of that anxiety in turn mad me anxious. And that, my friends, is friggin' hilarious.

I think I'm gonna write a post about why I decided to join the PCP, soon. It seems appropriate given that we've all been grinding our wheels lately.

And on that note, I think I'll just touch base on something that is actually very, very related; why I decided to start smoking weed. And (for the reason that I love to talk about it and because I can't remember if I mentioned it already) why I quit.

I got high long before I ever got drunk. My grandfather once asked me why did I start doing either of those things. The answer for the former is because I was at a family wedding, and everyone else was doing it. The reason for the latter is because I was incredibly anxious, and I wanted a way to fix that. Also, I wanted to push the boundaries of my consciousness. That's pretty much it.

Of course, being so terse leaves a little bit out. As a personal testimony, out of all the drugs I've done (and I've done a few; more that I'd like to admit over such a public channel), weed is the safest and least harmful. Hands down. Safe than alcohol. Hell, there were days where I smoked and then the next day I felt amazing - a skip in my step. That has never happened with alcohol.

Of course, If I ever had any anxiety while drunk, it didn't spiral into a torturous hell that seemed to last for hours. With this in mind, it's kind of strange why I used it for the purpose of ridding myself of anxiety.

And that brings us to the reason why I quit. I've only had three REALLY bad highs. Two were close together, when I was a novice smoker and they were anxious in a "dumb" sense. They were just base anxiety. Fear of the flesh. The last time I smoked, I had a really bad high, and this was intelligently horrifying. Fear of the mind, the soul.

I've been doing some heavy learning since I started smoking - And for most of the time it was a relatively spiritual thing. I started smoking around the time I ditched Christianity and adopted this Buddhist-like disposition. That was October 06, and since then I was pouring spiritual and philosophical ideas into my mind. The heaviest of this was this past fall/spring, when I discovered Zen is Stupid, Radiolab, and a bunch of weird-ass shamanistic shit. So, at the time of my last smoke-session, I had all this information about psychology, spirituality, consciousness, and other miscellaneous crap. All this info serving the purpose of getting to the bare root of it all, seeing beyond the symbols. This was the kindling and the weed was the flame.

I didn't go over the edge and have a panic attack - and like most of the highs of that time, it was like blasting off in a rocket shit; a very long and rocky ride followed by an amazing tranquility.

All weed does is move you out of yourself. It takes the environment that houses the awareness that is you, and fucks it up slightly. Also, and I've only heard this once from a random but credible sounding source, it launches your subconscious into your conscious. I gotta say that this is a pretty good explanation for what I experienced on many occasions. I've often felt that, while high, I was peering into the background programming of myself.

You get back what you put into it. In the beginning, I didn't have much to give. At the end I gave more than I could accept in return, and it freaked me out.

Though, as it stands, that last night was one of the most amazing nights of my life. An event like that gives you pretty clear insight, at least on a subconscious level. I'm pretty sure that because of that horrifying night, I decided to sign up for the PCP.