Tranquility

(For some reason this didn't publish; this post is for the 13th)

So, I guess you could say that the project, for the most part, has been a source of stress and anxiety for me. I usually say that I can switch my routine on a dime. And that is true. Though it takes me a little longer to get comfortable in the new routine, and the PCP is probably the most extreme change I've had to make.

The problem isn't really that it's difficult. It's more like, I have to do everything myself. I have to make sure I have enough food and I have to cook each meal, all of which are fucking huge. In the old days I could just eat a pop-tart or a bowl of cereal in the morning and for lunch fry up a grill-cheese sandwich or something. Not any more. Three times a day I have to cook a huge meal.

Also, there is the asocial aspect of the PCP. These two things were a slow build for the first two months. The last two weeks, I saw a really bitter, dire side to myself. Now, I'm pretty relaxed about it. There have been plenty of mess ups recently. One is that I think I might have to skip dinner because, for some reason I am not hungry. Actually, I think it might be a bit too late. I think earlier in the project I'd be a little upset over this. Now I just look at the clock and mutter, "hmm... fuck..."

And there's a good side to this. It just means that I can go to bed before 11 for once. I mean, I was earlier in the week. OK, let me elaborate.

For the past month, my sleep was getting exceedingly fucked up. I was waking up at 10 and it was getting worse. So I tried to reset it, and failed. Tried again and succeeded. But then I got into an awesome discussion with my friend about past experiences with weed that I found to be very elucidating. That lasted into the AM, which messed up my sleep even more.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I'm sort of rolling with the punches and not getting down on my project at all. This is awesome. I used to have a "I need to look cut by the end of the PCP", but now I have a "I am definitely healthier than I was, I can feel it. This is amazing" feeling.

And that's not even how I felt when I went into the PCP; wanting to look all chiseled by the end. I was just looking for good health and stability. Mental and Physical.

This brings me to why I joined the PCP. The moment of realization that I was woefully out of shape was when I was walking to a friend's house, and I was crossing the street. The first step I took off of the curb onto the street. It gave me a headache. It shook me. I can't eve describe to you how it felt, but the blow of my foot hitting the asphalt shook through me and it felt like it was going to tear me to pieces. And then there were the numerous times when I was high that I felt what it was like to be in my own skin on such a visceral level that I couldn't help but shake.

That, my friends, is a sign that you need to put a little meat on your bones.

There are also the mental issues. Nothing serious. Massive amounts of anxiety, insecurity, depression. Just things that make life necessarily hard. Again, while high, I ascertained that If I was healthy and physically fit, then these issues would go away. So far, it seems that I'm right.

Why did I do the PCP? Because I was sick of being my own obstacle. I was sick of my fear and my frailties holding me back from living life. I'm not really sure how life post-PCP will be. Though, I feel as though I have the knowledge and the moxie to take care of myself, construct my own work out routine. Which brings me to another thing. I would look at the six-packs on some guys and thing, "nah, that'll never be me." It wasn't even my usual, "I'll be like that when I get around to working out", it was just plain old, "I can't do it." Now it's, "I am doing this, and I will get those cut abs." I was watching this video:


If you look at the dude's daily workout, it's intense. A year ago I would see that entire video and I would be like, "cool..." Now I watch it intently and think, "Man, If I wanted to, this could be me." You know, If I wanted to.